SAMPLE PAGES
ACT ONE
INT. HOWARD & ANNIE'S LIVING ROOM - DAY
A CHAOTIC RIOT
OF DROP CLOTHS, BURGER KING WRAPPERS AND
UNPACKED CARTONS
UNDER WHICH JOEY HAS BUILT A FORT AND IS
DEFENDING THE
FAMILY AGAINST ALIEN INVADERS.
SCHATZI, THE FAMILY DOG, SITS PANTING IN THE CORNER.
HOWARD UNPACKS
A BOX OF THICK COATS, SNOW BOOTS AND GLOVES.
ANNIE COMES
IN AND CONTINUES UNPACKING.
HOWARD
Why did we bring all this stuff?
ANNIE
They do have winter in
California, Howard.
HOWARD
Sure! Remember the winter we came
out to visit Aunt Ida? It was a
"freezing" sixty-seven degrees, it
rained for seven minutes, then
everybody panicked about wet
freeways and called in sick to
work.
ANNIE
Joey, out from under there and get
busy, please.
JOEY
(from under a box)
I don't like it here. I'm going
back to Michigan.
ANNIE
Ok. We'll drive you to the airport.
JOEY
(doubtfully)
Really?
HE CLIMBS OUT FROM UNDER THE BOX, PATS THE DOG.
JOEY
We going home, girl? Yes.
ANNIE
Oh, no. Schatzi stays here. She's a
California dog now, aren't you
Schatz?
JOEY
Aw, mom!
ANGLE ON
SCHATZI, PANTING FURIOUSLY.
JOEY
Look at her. Animals always know
when something bad's gonna happen.
HOWARD CLOSES
HIS EYES WEARILY, LEANS BACK AGAINST THE WALL.
JOEY SNEAKS
AROUND THE CORNER INTO THE HALLWAY.
INT. HALLWAY - DAY
JOEY KICKS THE
WALL HARD. THE HOUSE VIBRATES.
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
HOWARD AND ANNIE LOOK UP, STARTLED.
ANNIE
What was that?
JOEY RUNS IN AND DIVES BEHIND THE COUCH.
JOEY
Earthquake!
ANNIE
Joey, now stop it! Go in and fix
your room.
HE STOMPS OFF TO HIS ROOM. ANNIE CONTINUES TO UNPACK.
A VERY LOUD KNOCK AT THE DOOR.
ANNIE
Joey! I said stop it!!
JOEY (O.S.)
I didn't do anything!
HOWARD
Somebody's at the door.
HE OPENS THE
DOOR ON PATRICE.
PATRICE
Oh, hi! My name's Patrice from 12B?
I'm supposed to tell you that "we
know you're busy unpacking but when
you're able to take a break you're
invited to come over for soup and
sandwiches." Some of the other
neighbors are coming too.
JOEY POKES HIS HEAD IN.
JOEY
What kind of soup?
PATRICE
Gazpacho.
JOEY SCREWS UP HIS FACE.
JOEY
Eeeeeeiuu!
ANNIE
That's our rude son, Joey and I'm
Annie.
PATRICE
Pleased to meet you.
HOWARD
I'm Howard.
ANNIE
Shall we bring anything?
PATRICE
Just yourselves --
(referring to JOEY)
-- but you could leave him home.
JOEY STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE AT HER.
HOWARD
Thank your folks for inviting us.
PATRICE
Personally, I think they're just
brown-nosing the new landlord.
Well, see you later.
HOWARD
Thanks --
AND HE CLOSES THE DOOR.
HOWARD
Who was that masked midget?
JOEY
What's gazpacho?
HOWARD PULLS
OUT A PAIR OF EARMUFFS AND CLAPS THEM OVER HIS
EARS.
ANNIE
(amused)
Cold soup.
JOEY DOESN'T
THINK HE'D LIKE THAT.
ANNIE
(to HOWARD)
Well, that's awfully nice of them.
HOWARD
We don't have to go, do we?
ANNIE
They're our new neighbors, Howard.
HOWARD
They're also our tenants. They'll
probably demand things.
ANNIE
Like what?
HOWARD
I don't know. New wallpaper,
garbage disposals, hot tubs --
ANNIE
Indoor plumbing.
HOWARD PULLS
OFF THE EARMUFFS AND LOBS THEM INTO A PILE OF
TRASH IN THE
CORNER.
HOWARD
Well, gang, here we are in the
Golden State!
HE STANDS MELODRAMATICALLY
ON A BOX.
HOWARD
As God is my witness, I'll never
shovel snow again!
ANNIE
OK, Scarlett. But you are going
to eat gazpacho. Time to get
cleaned up.
FADE OUT.
END ACT ONE
END SAMPLE
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